Well, about two months back on track and I have had a breakthrough.
A few weeks ago I was finally able to share a story about a time in my life when I was at my healthiest and was out for a run and not feel ashamed or worried the audience might be thinking, “You? You were running? You don’t look like a runner or like you ever used to be in a healthier place.”
The shame and fear of rejection was very real. It was very easy to share a story from a time when I was healthier when I was a smaller size, but having gained so much weight back I have had the hardest time saying anything like, “…yeah, I had just returned back from a run when …”. My mind would remind me I’m not that healthier version of myself anymore, so I would only softly mention the running or I would follow up the story with a crack like, “Not that I’m doing that [running] now!” trying to make everyone laugh and say what I felt they were thinking.
Then at the end of August two things happened to change my negative self talk:
1. I started running again with the Couch to 5K program.
2. I forgave myself for gaining the weight back.
The first action has been fairly easy. While I feel every ounce of the weight I’ve gained back, I just ran a 5K in the spring, so I have been fine.
The second was much harder, but forgiving myself for failing to keep control over food during some of the hardest years of my life was the key I needed to lock up all the negative and throw it into the sea of forgetfulness.
Forgiving myself also included repenting of the part I played, the times I just didn’t care and overate until I didn’t feel good, and it brought me to a place where I could hold my head high again.
When I’m plodding along on the treadmill completing my run/walk intervals I hold my head high.
When I am sharing a story about my family that includes me returning from a run to see my family being crazy I hold my head high while mentioning the words, “I had just come back from a run…”.
When I wear an outfit that is bigger in size than I’d like, I hold my head high.
Month one I maintained weight and now in month two I am seeing the scale slowly move downward. It may not sound like great success to anyone who is looking for numerical victory, but I haven’t felt this good both physically and emotionally in a very long time.
I’ve been journaling and I have goals to help me stay focused as I continue in my journey, but for today I celebrate that I am walking with my head held high.
This is my story and I will never give up. Thank you for coming along with me.