Christmas decor is up around town, the temperatures are cooling (even here in San Antonio, GLORY!! 😀 ) and here in the United States we are celebrating Thanksgiving on Thursday.  It can be so cliche to think of the things we are grateful for this time of year, but I find it can be especially helpful in a season where sometimes the failures and hopes and dreams not answered through the year can be so glaring.

That doesn’t sound very pleasant, but coming from a person who would rather always look on the bright side than acknowledge the ugly for more than oh an hour or so it’s a big step.  I have come to learn life isn’t always pleasant and I make it go away like hugging a scary monster dream away from one of my children.

What I can do is learn to accept life can be sad, ugly, frustrating, etc. and allow myself to be okay with the sad moments, because they also are a part of what makes life as a whole wonderful.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”  – Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

There are two sadnesses, if you will, that are on my heart entering this season.

One is a little too personal to share, so I will not burden you with it.

The second is I am sad that I’m entering this holiday season wearing the same large clothes I bought last year.  I will still fit the outfit I even took a picture in and designated it my final “before” picture.

Can I pause in that frustration for a minute?  That shirt might even be a little snug, I haven’t actually tried it on yet and the 10 pounds I’ve added to my weight this year has been just enough to make some outfits uncomfortable.

Sigh.

Okay, now you know… I’ve gained weight instead of losing it this year.  When you’re ready to see what else has happened keep reading.

Looking on the bright side. I’ve come to a conclusion that photo is still a “before” picture of sorts….

….before I found out we would be selling our new home and moving to another city.

…. before I before I decided that I didn’t want to live a low-fat/low-carb lifestyle and quit Weight Watchers last spring.

… before I hugged my baby at his high school graduation and faced the fact that the chapter in my life as a stay-at-home mom was complete.

… before I settled in a new town, again.

… before I said, “That’s enough.  My clothes are tight.  I’m frustrated. Something really needs to change.”

… before I found the Nutrition Redefined podcast that lead me to Eat Confident Collective.

The final before is the news I have to share and it has been my early Christmas present to myself.  Eat Confident Collective promotes intuitive eating and accepting health at any size.

I’ve been with the Collective for about a month now and my mind and emotions have swung from relief at not having to always worry about when and what I’ll be eating to overwhelm that I’ll never be able to trust and obey my hunger and fullness.

This is a very scary process for me at times and my first step forward was to give myself some permissions.

First, I am giving myself the gift of permission to not be on a diet before, during or after the holidays.

Second, I am giving myself permission to feel beautiful all season, despite gaining back about 60 pounds.

Finally, my goal this season is to be able to accept what I see when I glimpse myself in any photos that will be taken this season.

Along those lines of self acceptance I made another decision with regards to sharing my journey.

For months I’ve been thinking about deleting this blog because I feel I have nothing positive to share — “positive” being equal to  weight loss, which is a mindset I’m trying to change — but I came to the conclusion that this is part of my story.  So, I will continue blogging.

Since 2009 I have striven to be honest and open about my struggles with food in on this blog with the hopes someone will read something they can relate to and be encouraged they are not alone in their struggles.  To end it now would be a disservice to anyone who may still be looking for encouragement here.

So, here I am.  As always, I will never give up my pursuit of a healthier, happier life.

Thank you for stopping by and I wish you all a safe and happy holiday season!