2009 vs Today

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I came across the above quote a few weeks ago and it resonated with me, especially with regards to my health journey.

Prior to our summer break and move I made the conscious decision to close my Etsy shop and quit attending Weight Watchers.  Etsy is how I pay for my WW membership and I didn’t want the stress of working while moving and also trying to enjoy a few summertime visits with my college girls.  (Let me add in here I’m grateful that my income is not relied upon for the home, so I have the ability to take breaks like this.)

I also did not stress myself out if I didn’t make it to the gym or get any intentional exercise in.

It was the best decision I made for this summer emotionally and spiritually speaking.  I had other priorities I did not want to let drop, so dropping my “dieting” allowed me to keep other higher priorities in place.

You may or may not agree with my choice, but I don’t regret it.

I was able to focus on moving and enjoying my family and not stress over orders to be filled or whether or not I was sticking to my calorie budget.

However, the decision to skip exercise and not care what I was eating did have less-than-ideal results and they are weighing both on me emotionally and physically (I’m up almost 10 pounds).

Sigh.

I still don’t regret my decision, because I was stressed out enough with all that this move entailed, but I am fighting the failure demons that lurk when the scale is up.

I have also been fighting the emotions that can lead me to think how can I inspire others and keep blogging when I’m up so much in my weight?!

[insert weeks of thinking on the above quote]

“My New Ending” started as a place where I could express my very deep struggles with food and not worry what others thought, because I didn’t know any of those “others” personally.  I didn’t start any specific diet, but made small changes over time.  They added up to losing about 75 pounds.

Lately, I’m struggling, but it’s different now.

I’m frustrated that I haven’t kept the weight off, that I feel obsessed with food at time and while I want to go back and try and approach losing weight exactly like I did in 2009 I just don’t see that happening.

The basics will work when I stick to them, which is where I’m beginning.  At the same time, I’ve learned so much about health and myself in the last 8 years and I’ve been through some very life-changing events.

I’m not the same person I was in 2009.

But does that mean I can’t continue blogging about my new ending in life?

I’ve decided no it doesn’t.

Because coming back here and checking in periodically may in fact hopefully encourage someone out there that new endings include messes, failures, successes, more failures, lessons learned and ultimately if I don’t quit fighting back for better health then I am still the new-Leah that emerged a couple of years ago.

Though my thoughts tend to wage war on themselves I keep coming back to, “I’m not giving up.”  I’ve done this before, tasted the victory of having control over food, and that proves I can do it again.

Pre-2009 Leah would’ve gained weight back and given up.

My New Ending Leah doesn’t do that.

So, I’m here.

What I bring to the fight this time around is different than in 2009, but I am choosing not to live in the past and I’m happy to continue sharing my journey with you.

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2 Responses to 2009 vs Today

  1. Larkspur says:

    Leah, one of the things I love most about you and your blog is that you keep going. Frankly I’m interested in you as a person, and not what you weigh. I cheer you on when you meet your goals, and also when you drop back and reevaluate. If this were easy, there would be a bunch of blogs where people lost weight and were done. But it’s a constant effort which your blog (and mine!) reflect.

    I comfort myself by thinking– if I didn’t pursue healthy habits at all, I would probably be in one of those little motorized carts now that I’m past fifty! And while I am not thin (and not likely to be), I am still reasonably fit and happy and I credit that to gamely keeping at it.

    I have been pretty sold recently on nosdiet.com, which is a combination of moderation and gentle rules. I haven’t lost much weight, but I pretty much only get hungry at mealtimes and don’t really think about food in between (unless someone waves cake at me or something.)

    *I* find you inspiring, whatever your weight! Don’t stop blogging!

    Like

  2. Lori says:

    It’s good to take a break once in awhile. It gives us time to take a look at what we’ve been doing, if we need to make changes, and but get recharged! You are doing great friend!!

    Like

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