While I now realize that mourning the loss of certain foods is very real I also realized something else – you must be careful what you read. As I was typing the portion in Mourning the Loss of Food – Part One about reading Jillian Michael’s very strict diet plan and feeling like a failure before I even tried it a light went on in my head.
That’s where my mourning really hit. When I read something that was meant for direction and clarity on certain issues and left feeling like I could never live up to it I was saddened. I felt hopeless and like I didn’t have any hope of succeeding. Portions of her book were very interesting and even helpful to me, but to set out to follow a strict plan like she teaches was too much for me.
This last week I finally reached a point in my weightloss journey where I felt ready to get serious. I’ve been tracking my food for two weeks. Saw how much I was really eating and where I needed to cut back. I was ready to get serious about my food intake and cut where I need to in order to see more consistent losses. I understood that this would mean cutting out certain foods for a bit, or cutting them to very small portions, and I was okay with this.
To help me learn some more about where/how to tweak my eating I read this book, but suddenly I was hit with a feeling of remorse for committing to a stricter plan. I was almost sorry I ever looked for help, because now I read something that seemed too much, too strict. Back came the old feelings of “I never win at dieting.” and I felt hopeless. Having seen higher numbers on the scale this past week, and not understanding why, had a lot to do with my mournful attitude.
I suddenly felt like I wasn’t going to be able to do this after all, because I love all those foods too much to give them up.
This lead me to realize that I was taking Jillian’s book a bit too seriously for me. I can only read what is helpful and store away was was too overwhelming to draw on at a later time. Later I might need to know how and/or be ready to implant more stricter plans, but for now I still have to take it one day at a time. I have to keep taking one baby step of change at a time or I’ll be so overwhelmed that I won’t try at all. And not trying at all will only lead to failure.
I refuse to give up on my desire to become more disciplined and see more consistent loss. I even have hopes of losing more than 30 pounds in this next year. This is going to mean letting go of my hold on certain foods, but it’s also going to mean learning to rejoice in all of the things I gain by being a healthier, happier me. The mourning won’t last forever, but the small changes for the better will.