Meltdown

Prologue: I debated writing this post because it’s a bit depressing, but I wanted a written history of what happened to remind me that this journey is full of ups and downs.

Just before bed last night I had a meltdown. A complete, sobbing meltdown with regards to my weight loss, or lack thereof lately. I’ve been struggling on and off over the past week or two with caring whether or not I ate healthy or moderate portions.

I was so frustrated and decided I just didn’t care any more. I was tired of it all, etc. etc. I was thinking of never blogging again and just walking away from the pursuit of my healthy weight. Heck, I’m discussing health subjects with a friend who actually practices what she preaches while I’m overeating because I can’t, or won’t, discipline myself enough to eat right. I figured I would keep running and exercising and living like I am and be comfortable at 180.
But the sobbing continued, and I knew deep, deep inside I couldn’t quit. I always quit and I can’t this time. I’ve committed to fighting through this and as hard as it was I knew I couldn’t give up.
The only thing that stopped me from crying was I told myself I needed to brush my teeth before bed. As I was brushing I stopped crying, and then, upon finishing, I crawled into bed.
There were no more tears, but I just knew I couldn’t quit and had no idea how I was going to finish. Just when I thought all the “I can’t change” thoughts were over I found myself battling them again and I felt a tad hopeless.
About ten minutes later my husband asked if I was okay when he got into bed and I whispered, “no.” He spoke a few encouraging words to me and encouraged me that change doesn’t happen over night (and apparently not in 2 1/2 years either for some of us).

I woke up feeling a little better and decided I would just take it a meal and a day at a time; but I still had some funkiness going on. I also had a moment of realization/reminder.
No, I can’t do this. I can not be disciplined and be the Perfect Dieter who sticks to her plan and sees great losses every week. The woman who just gets it done and doesn’t bat an eye about the need to sacrifice to reach the goal.
Not on my own.
As I literallycried out to God about the subject this morning I kept thinking of the beginning of Philippians 4:19 “but my God shall supply all your needs…”.
I do not want to be a women obsessed with her weight and healthy eating; but I know that eating in moderation and taking care of my body is a good thing. By myself I can not break down this wall of “I can’t.”, but with God’s help I can.
He promises to meet my needs. He already proved that to me last night when my husband asked if I was okay and let me cry for a minute about this issue. God knew I needed that. He knew I was struggling and needed someone to help me remember that I have lost 50 pounds and kept it off, and that I did chose to not eat my entire restaurant breakfast that same morning, or that I ordered turkey sausage instead of regular without giving it a second thought.
I know I have to make the decisions that will lead to weight loss, praying will not make the pounds fall off, but I am reminded that I am not in this alone.
Maybe that’s why I had that meltdown. I needed to remember that I do still struggle with “toxic thoughts” (another subject for another day), but…I can press on.
Though last night I didn’t think I’d say this again…giving up is not an option for me. One choice at at time I will continue to fight and work towards winning this battle. If I need a break from reading all the weight loss blogs and comparing my journey to others, then I’ll take it. However, I will continue exercising and journaling my food and making better choices. And I will continue to update my weigh-ins every Friday.
I will also continue to ” trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding.. in all [my] ways [I will] acknowledge Him and he will set my paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6, adapted for personal use.

Thank you for listening.
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11 Responses to Meltdown

  1. Anonymous says:

    You're welcome, for listening… that's what I do best…. hoo hoo hoo hoo! (pooh bear)

    I too, have something in my life that I need changed and will continue to work on it “until that Day”.

    Leah, you have accomplished a lot in the past 2.5 years and will continue to do so, I am confident in that.
    much love,
    MOMa

    Like

  2. Jamie says:

    Isn't it awesome how God tells us just what we need to hear at just the right time. I am so excited for you. You are an exceptional woman and loved by God!

    Like

  3. Leah, thank you so much for sharing and being honest. Your honest posts inspire me beyond belief. The top of your blog says that you are “hoping to encourage someone else in their weight loss journey as I share about mine.” DONE. You are encouraging me. Because I can't do it, either. I can't be that perfect person. BUT, as you remind me, through the grace of God, we can do what we cannot do. Blessings. I thank God for you!

    Like

  4. Jodie says:

    Just take each day as it comes. You are wonderful if you lose 50 more lbs or no pounds, or even if you gain every pound back!

    Like

  5. downsizers says:

    I think as a Christian we want a holy zap – doesn't work that way does it? He will strengthen us but we have to do the heavy lifting. When things get tough we want to say to God, “OK, now You do this for me”, but we have problems so that we have to rely on God. If there was never a problem, we wouldn't need Him. This is just part of the learning curve. I don't know of anybody who has gone straight to goal without a blip here and there. You'll be fine. Take care.

    Like

  6. Trust God first…he already has the path laid out we just need to trust in him:)

    Like

  7. Lori says:

    You aren't alone. No one is the perfect 'dieter' and we all have times where we cry out of frustration or binge or whatever. It's all about just picking yourself up and going on. I will tell you that even at maintenance you are never 'done.'

    Like

  8. Lori Lynn says:

    I have felt like this before, where it's just hard to keep going. Sometimes I wonder if the tears, anger, pain, hate, and all the other feelings, is worth it and wonder why it just couldn't be “easier.” Why does my “thorn in the flesh,” have to be this?? The ultimate “prize” is knowing that we have done all that we could with God by our side.
    Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. James 1:12
    Hang in there! 🙂

    Like

  9. jesseybell says:

    I am so sorry about the meltdown. But don't stop writing! None of us are perfect. We are here for you during all the ups and downs.

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  10. *Whitney* says:

    This was exactly what I needed to hear today. Last night I was at church and the message was about asking and receiving from the Lord the gifts of the Spirit that we need. Your post coupled with that message made me realize that I have the strength and self-control that is needed, but I have to utilize it thru Him. Obviously that goes for more than just weight loss, but when weight loss is always on my mind, it helps to know He's right there with me, with us. Praying for you!! <3<3

    Like

  11. E. Jane says:

    We hit rough spots once in a while, but faith can see us through. Your post has been inspiring to me. Take care.

    Like

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