Last night I found myself pouring a small cup of milk and starting to open yet another Reese’s mini peanut butter cup. I knew I was above calories for the day, not even hungry and yet I was about to eat more junk. I also knew that my scale has been up a good five pounds so far all week. As I touched the sweet to my lips I stopped, I folded it back up and started to cry. I knew I didn’t really want that junk and I was frustrated with myself. My only consolation was that I poured out the milk and did not eat the minis. A small victory!
Just before bed TOM made it’s appearance and everything clicked. It didn’t make me feel any better, because whether I like it or not my emotions do not always allow my mind to think properly during this time. This was apparent when I woke up deciding I wouldn’t workout at all because “Who cares?!?! I’m up and the challenge is ruined already!!” I only wanted to come on here and complain, but I decided not to let my emotions rule my day. So, the following post was born… (Oh, and now I’m off to do a workout DVD, because if I’ve learned anything this year it’s that I won’t quit).
It seems to be that time of year to look over the past year to applaud accomplishments and see what things we’d like to change for the better. My only weight loss related goals for 2010 were to continue to see weight loss and to run a 5K without walking.
I did both. I’m twenty pounds lighter than I was a year ago and I ran my first 5K back in April.
That’s about it for the outside accomplishments. However, there have been accomplishments on the inside that I am grateful for even if they weren’t fun in the process. While 2010 has been one of the hardest years of my life it has also been one of the most rewarding years of my life.
The hardest part was watching both my brother and mother get diagnosed with cancer last spring. From March on I began to go an emotional roller coaster ride I’ve never ridden before. Thankfully, they are both alive and healthy and with us today. So I’m very grateful to a happy ending to a rough year as far as my family goes.
Through all of my family’s illnesses I’ve also been dealing even more strongly with some emotions that have made up a huge part of my weight issues. I’ve reached in and forced myself to take a good look at things that need to change in my heart and some expectations that were so unreal they would never be met and thus I’d never be happy.
Most of these emotional struggles had nothing to do with my weight, but upon introspection they had everything to do with it. This time of introspection and emotional housecleaning of sorts has also been very tough at times, but the outcome has been worth it.
The most rewarding part of this year was the great changes I have felt in my thought processes regarding weight and acceptance, to put it very generally. I feel that I am finally “getting it” as far as weight loss goes. My desires are changing in ways I have fought against over the past year and a half. Ask Diane or Stephanie. 🙂 I think they’ve both been waiting for me to realize that it’s all for the best, and probably wanting to slap me into submission many times in the process.
But I get it folks.
- I feel better when I eat more nutritious foods.
- I also feel better when I allow myself a treat here and there (or even a burger here and there), because I know I’m not deprived.
- I feel better when I exercise, and even more so when I push myself in ways I thought I wasn’t capable of.
- I feel better when I’m not stuffed into my clothes and can walk around feeling strong instead of fat and defeated.
- I feel better when I see that scale go down and realize I really can do this.
- I feel better knowing I am overcoming years of fear of rejection and acceptance, which I’m learning were very closely linked to my weight issues.
- I feel better knowing I will never give up on my weight loss journey.
- I feel better knowing My New Ending is really happening.
Yes, my 2010 was one of the hardest years of my life, but it has also brought about in me some of the most profound changes that I know will only help me have better years ahead. I still see lots of room for improvement in my life, and for this blog … my health, but I know I can do it – 2010 proved that to me.