This morning there was no bread in the house that wasn’t frozen, so I wasn’t able to make my toast with peanut butter or an egg over toast. Yes, I could’ve made an egg by itself, but instead I decided to “live” a little and have a piece of apple spice cake for breakfast with my coffee. I also had a small brownie about an hour later, and a few bites of chocolate cake another hour later.
I have felt guilt and self-abhorrence ever since then. I haven’t had water in three days and have let the fruit stay in the fridge instead of eating it.
The sweets have entered my body much more than necessary and this morning was the final pieces that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. Well, at least I hope they did…
Funny how what was once a habit that we laughed about, “Cake is great on Saturday mornings for breakfast!” now makes me sick, both physically and emotionally.
I almost didn’t post about it, because I’m not proud of myself, but I know I’ll feel better getting it out in the open. If nothing else, I’m honest in my journey towards my new ending.
So, in the atmosphere of honesty floating about let me say that being back at my parents has brought me to feeling like the “old” way of eating. Yet as I watch my mom I’m noticing that she doesn’t eat like we used to. She has watched her portions and her sweets and drank lots of water daily. I keep thinking, “This is why she lost 40 pounds in half the time it’s taken me to lose 32.
This means I have no excuse for not eating better on this trip. Yes, people have been bringing sweets with every dinner they bring for us and it’s very nice, but it doesn’t mean I have to eat all of it. I usually have something sweet at my own home, but I had reached a point where I was able to not need or desire it, except once monthly.
Having this feeling of no control again is starting to vex me. I’m going to use the afternoon and next day to try and figure out why I’m doing this and get a handle on it. Falling back into the old habits has not been comforting at all. They have only left me feeling yucky, and I don’t like it one bit.
Thanks for “listening”.