Today I worked. I’m a substitute and I only work part-time and solely at my children’s school, where I know most of the teachers pretty well and I see them on a regular basis. After I finished my lunch today I was making a comment about showing my MIL something and how silly it was…yada…yada, because I felt the need to explain to her how I had prepared a certain lunch item.
Someone looked at me curiously and asked, “Huh?”
Well, I realized that I had quickly skimmed over mentioning that MIL might question something I put together for lunch because she knows I’m trying to lose weight. Since I managed to
skip skim over that important point, this teacher didn’t understand the point of my conversation.
I quickly offered, “Well, she knows I’m watching what I eat and how much, so she’s trying to be helpful and somehow…’blah’ ‘blah’..”
As I mentioned, “..knows I’m watching what I eat and how much..” my stomach began to knot up a little bit. I was SO nervous and I did NOT want to say, “She knows I’m on a diet.”, because I knew that the minute that fact gets around everyone will begin watching what I’m eating and the comments could start coming.
That scared me so much; and I’m not totally sure why. Even as I write this post my stomach is knotting up and I would kind of like to cry.
Has anyone else experienced this fear of having people know you’re on a diet and/or changing your eating habits?
These are the few things I could come up with that might explain my knotted stomach at the thought of going public with my “diet”:
1. Maybe I’m still scared of failure..okay, no I AM SCARED of failing.
2. Maybe I’m scared of the accountability. People can’t help, but watch what you eat when you say you’re dieting or making better choices.
3. I don’t want someone saying, “Should you really eat that??”.
Having put my thoughts on the matter out there, I have to say that it does look silly, huh? I can answer my own fears with this.
“Leah, you’ve lost 20 pounds, you’re exercising regularly and why are you afraid of people watching you eat??? You took a salad of baby greens with feta cheese, tomatoes, 5-6 kalamata olives and Italian dressing with an apple and a Fiber One yogurt for lunch. Plus, you drank water. You only ate a pinch of the brownies that the cafeteria made for the entire staff (HUGE tray of them) to save room for the non-fat, no whip white mocha you were going to have later.” (I felt like I could’ve skipped the special coffee, but I’ve been waiting like 4 days for that treat, so today was the day.)
Well, there it is. Despite knowing I’m doing better on my food choices, portions and getting regular exercise, I was almost terrified at anyone knowing I was seriously trying to lose weight and change my habits.
I think my food habits changing touches something far deeper than just saying no to brownies, and so by telling everyone that I’m working on losing weight I’m also admitting to them I’m working on some deeper issues in my life. hhmmm….. That just kind of popped out, but now I’m going to think on that.
I also think that I don’t want someone telling me that I can’t have sweets or “junk”, because I do truly feel that everything is okay in moderation. And I don’t think people will believe that everything is okay in moderation when I still have so much weight to lose.
Okay, I’ve rambled on quite a bit now, but I just had to get that off my chest. It was a new scenario that I had to deal with today and something I think I need to deal with sooner than later. It’s so much easier to say you’re losing weight when someone notices that you’re thinner; but for some reason it’s so hard for me to tell anyone that I’m seriously working on it.
I look forward to any comments, questions, criticisms you have to share.