My New Ending

(Courtesy of the Project Life App)

My 10K race went very well.  I want to add, “..despite it being warmer than I anticipated.”, because it was warmer than usual for this time of year.  The race also went well despite me being a nervous wreck the night before and even than morning.  Glory!

I’ll just add in here the next day we woke up to a lovely 60 degrees and I asked the earth why we couldn’t have had that the prior morning, but I digress.

This is the 3rd year I’ve participated in this race and I loved this shirt the best so far; so much so I decided to wear it to run the race in.  Had I checked and seen it was going to be warmer than normal I would’ve stuck with a running tank, especially because I’ve always followed the running rule of “don’t wear the race day shirt until you’ve completed the run“… oh well.  I was proud of my reason for running and wanted to show it.

I wasn’t really nervous about running 6.2 miles until the night before.  It’s like this year came crashing down on me.  I told my husband last fall was so full of anticipation and feelings of accomplishment as I finished up my half marathon training, completed that in September and then he returned from an eight-month deployment in November.  “It’s like then the new year came and everything came crashing down!!”, I moaned.  Okay, I think I actually cried for a minute.  

[Once again] he was awesome in reminding me those things weren’t my fault and to not be worried because I knew I could finish the race.  *deep cleansing breath*  *wiping tears away*  “I know.  You’re right.”, I confirmed and went to sleep. 

He had duty Saturday morning, so he was up just before me wishing me luck and reminding me to just enjoy myself and not worry about the time.  I groggily agreed to do just that. 

So, I got up and went about my race morning ritual of heating up coffee first thing and grabbing a protein bar to go with it.  I honestly wasn’t really hungry yet, but I made myself drink the coffee pretty quick so it could go through my system in time for me to potty before the race. I live about ten minutes from the race location, so I wouldn’t have a long drive time to get there and let my system do what needed to be done. 

I dressed, made sure I had everything and headed out the door.  I was grateful for a clear sky and a beautiful sunrise because my stomach was a mess of jumbles.  It wasn’t minutes before I decided I needed some motivational encouragement and I found one of my mantra songs, The Climb by Miley Cyrus (sorry…this is the ONLY song I love from her…) and proceeded to listen to it on repeat the whole way to the base…crying a couple of times and then reminding myself I knew I could do this. 

As I pulled in the parking lot I spotted a car belonging to friends of ours.  The husband was running the 10K as part of his training for a half marathon this weekend.  That brightened me up a little.  When I spotted them in the crowd I was even more excited.  

His wife came as well and humored me with a few pictures of us together and me alone before we lined up to start.  (By the way, I had a perfect potty stop before meeting up with them for pictures, which is always HUGE for me.  I love when I have to go and there is time to relieve myself… small things make me happy.)

As I lined up I also chatted with a gal who told me she was a nervous wreck because she had an injury and hadn’t been able to run the last five weeks.  I just encouraged her with a saying I adopted the minute I heard it, “I’m a completer, not a competer.”  We’re just here to finish and time doesn’t matter.  She thanked me and I wished her a good race.  

There was a lot of people walking, so right away I knew one of my fears wasn’t going to be realized — I would not be the last one.  🙂  I was seriously worried about coming in last because I’ve slowed up by a whole minute per mile this year.  

As is always the case in my races I started out slow and steady, pushing just enough to know I wasn’t going too easy and after a mile or two I started picking off the people who rushed out the gate too fast and had to stop for walk breaks.  That’s always my small victory and one I didn’t really expect to experience with my slower running time this year.  But it happened and I felt better knowing that I wasn’t the only one running so slowly this year, because very few of those people ever came back and passed me again.  I was actually amazed at the amount of slow runners in this race. 

My friend’s husband was not slow and he had told me he was shooting for a 42:00 finish, so I didn’t expect to see them after the race since I planned on a 1:15 – 1:20 finish.  However, around mile 2.5 there was the wife cheering me on and taking pictures with her phone.  I was so tickled that she hung out to cheer me after her husband had passed by.  

Even better, just after mile 4 there is a portion of the race where you’re headed to the finish but you make a left turn and head out for a 2-mile loop back to the finish line (It’s quite deceiving the first time to run it, but I expect it now.).  My friend’s husband had finished the race and they were both there cheering me on.  Aww…gee…I felt really special.  

So, I continued plodding along and grateful we had one more patch of wooded area to shade the warming morning.  I also chatted with a few people as we skipped around large puddles in the wooded area.  I try to not be one of those people who annoys other runners, but at this point in the race people usually complain about the large puddles and I always joke that this is where I feel like a trail runner. 🙂  

I have to say that I knew I was running slower than any of my previous races, but I was running faster than I had so far this year.  By mile 5 I was beginning to feel it in my legs, but I just pushed through and tried to continue my steady pace.  What’s funny is at mile 6 I always want to pick up my pace for that last 0.2 mile, but this time I didn’t really feel like I had it in me.  So, I pushed a little, but just decided I wasn’t worrying about pace, so I was just going to finish strong. 

As I cross the finish line I heard someone call my name and my friend had stayed to see me finish.  In fact, she was videoing my finish.  Awww… (okay, well, really her husband was staying because he was winning first place for the over 40 group, finishing in 42:__something.)

When all was said and done I was glad I signed up for this race.  It was hard in more ways than I thought it would be when I originally planned to do it, but I finished and I finished strong.  As I said earlier, it was my slowest 10K time, but my fastest average pace since I began training.  In fact, I was hoping, praying for a 1:20 finish and I killed it with a 1:14 finish!  Woot!  

THAT is something I’m very proud of.  

Today’s Weight:  172.0

Loss/Gain:  – 4.0 lbs

Well, I wasn’t expecting that, except that the only other day I weighed myself this week I was down and last week I saw 173 on the scale.  So, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did. 

It’s funny how this week I had a few moments where I overate and felt like I was never going to get the hang of it;  but at the same time I had more moments where I felt back to my normal healthier self and made simple, basic choices for healthier living.

*Contented sigh*

Tomorrow is my 10K race and I am ready.  Last week I ran 5 miles and was able to maintain a pace close to a 12:00 minute mile.  This will be my slowest 10K, but at least my pace has picked up since my first 6-mile run a month or so ago.  

I will have to try and not think too much about how slow I am right now and remind myself that at least I can run for 6.2 miles.  That’s more than I ever dreamed of years ago.

The weather has been gorgeous in the mornings, so I’m looking forward to enjoying a nice run tomorrow.  This race weaves in and out of some wooded areas, so it’s always enjoyable for me.

Have a nice weekend and thanks for checking in!  

As I was running last week I heard Heather from Half My Size make this comment:

Friday’s Weight:  176.0

Loss/Gain: +/- 0

When I weighed myself Friday morning I had every intention of posting it pretty quick, but… I forgot.  And then I’ve had a bustle of a weekend and never got around to it.  

Anyway, I wasn’t planning on posting much, because after I weighed myself I still felt as contented as I did when I wrote the night before.  🙂 

As I was sewing this evening I was thinking about where I’m at in my healthiness journey and decided I would post tonight, before I see the scale tomorrow, so that my thoughts are not affected by the number I see in the morning.  

I’ve weighed every day this week and it’s been up 3 pounds, down 3 pounds every other day, so who knows where it will settle tomorrow.  I can’t honestly say I don’t care what it will say, but I can honestly say I will not be too sad if there is no loss shown this week.  

Because one of the things I wanted to share is that I have made some great strides with getting back to my “new normal” self who was eating healthy and exercising a year ago.  I have found myself less compelled to overeat at meals and less likely to snack throughout the day when I’m truly not hungry.  

A short time ago I felt like I had lost “it” and I wondered if I’d every get “it” back.  Who knows if I was trying to use food as a salve to soothe over my other issue I’ve been dealing with, or if I just gained weight and then felt no hope of losing it so I didn’t care how much or what I ate.  

And right now I don’t care to do any further introspection to figure it out. 

All I know is I am finding myself picking healthier choices and smaller portions more often than not lately and feeling like my old [new] self.  🙂  This makes me happy.

My running is also improving and that makes me happy as well.  Part of the improvement in my speed is the weather cooling, but I think the other part is that I’m running three days a week again and my body is remembering what it is to be a runner, or even to be physically active again.  Hooray!

So, basically what I want to say is that I am happy with how things are going.  I know I need, and want, to see the scale get back into the 160’s because that is a healthier place for me to be.   I was maintaining around 160-163 for about a year and a half, so I know I can stay there comfortably. 

And since this 15-pound gains was due mainly to overeating during a stressful time in my life I know I can get it off again … eventually.  

The gain happened.  I am moving on and letting go of it;  knowing I need to tighten the caloric belt, but also knowing I am not going to beat myself up if the scale doesn’t reflect the other good things happening.

So, no matter what the scale says tomorrow I will be happy.  I will keep pressing on towards a healthier, happier me, because I won’t give up.  🙂

A couple weeks ago my daughter beat her 5K personal best by 45 seconds.  As her coach went to congratulate her he also pointed out she had improved her time by 5 minutes since the first race of the cross country season.  

We are so proud of her!

That same afternoon she said something that both made me proud and motivated me to keep going.   She introduced me to someone and added, “She’s the one who got me into running.” 

When my kids were little and playing for hours on end in the front yard I never dreamed someday I’d be the one inspiring them to do anything athletic. (That was always my husband’s idea of fun…)  

To hear her comment made my heart soar and also encouraged me to never give up on my new healthier lifestyle.  

Happy Monday!  Have a great week!

Sidenote:  The photo collage was made on my iPhone with the new Project Life App.  If you’re at all into scrapbooking, or would like easy ways to make cute collages with your phone pictures that will be saved with a high enough resolution to print as saved..check it out.  You won’t be disappointed.  🙂

Today’s Weight:  176.0

Loss/Gain:  +2.0

I wasn’t going to post my weight today.  Yesterday I had decided I knew the scale was going to be up and why vex my readers by showing the yo-yoing.  But then I thought, “Why not?”  It’s where I’m at and it’s just a number and not posting it doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t track my food more than a couple days this week or that I didn’t eat like I was trying to lose weight. 

There weren’t really any bingeing moments, but definitely not too many moments of eating to just satisfied, or even eating as healthy as I could’ve. 

The other day I heard a comment on a podcast that really resonated with me.  The man said something to the effect of, “80% of the issue is the food and 20% is the exercise.  The real change comes when we change how we eat, and the exercise just brings nice added benefits of physical change.”

I know the whole 80/20 thing and I must admit one of my mindsets that truly never changed was that I can’t out exercise overeating.  When I heard that comment mentioning that the exercise just brings the nice benefit of toning, etc, it occurred to me that I didn’t lose weight last summer by training for the half marathon.  

I simply toned up (a LOT) and was able to eat a lot more food because of the high calorie burn that many miles brings.  However, I lost the weight before that summer and it was changing how and what I ate that made the biggest difference. 

So, I’m still working on that.  I like to think I can workout tons, burn lots of calories and then eat a lot.  Unfortunately, my schedule doesn’t always allow for that.  I have watched my calorie burn and learned over the years I do need to exercise some daily if I want to eat more than fruits and vegetables.  I do have a slower than some metabolism.  

But for now I need to wrap my head around eating a tad less to lose this weight I’ve put on.  I know I can do it, just gotta get it done.  

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary and I’m so blessed to have a husband who has loved me literally through thick and thin.  

This morning I told him it doesn’t feel like it’s been nineteen years and he replied, “It’s because we’re having fun!”  

Just like my scale, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we have continued to press on to make our marriage work.  

We also made a commitment on our wedding day that we would keep Jesus Christ at the center of our marriage and we both agree that were it not for Him we couldn’t guarantee we’d still be happily married today.  

So, happy anniversary to us and one more day to realize that anything worth having is hard work, but always worth it in the end!

Today’s Weight:  174.0

Loss/Gain: -2.0 lbs

I have made huge non-scale strides this week, so I’m pleased with seeing results on the scale as well.  There is the cautious feeling of wondering if I can keep up the good change in eating habits to keep losing weight, so I reminded myself this morning that I just need to keep doing what I’ve done to lose these two and the weight will come off eventually. 

My goal for the weekend is to do my best to stay within my calorie budget.  My “cheat” day is always a weekend day, and quite honestly usually turns into the entire weekend, so I’m going to work on that this weekend.  

Monday I will come back with a nice motivational post I already have in my head, but for now I leave you with my new favorite breakfast…

I’ll call it “Chocolate Protein Oatmeal”.  

I was looking for something comforting to eat for breakfast that had more protein, but less sugar than the protein bars I normally eat for breakfast.  I’m now in love with my creation… I may even try vanilla powder and some pumpkin for the fall.  I’m inspired!

Thanks for checking in blogland friends!  I truly appreciate each and every one of you who take a moment to stop by.  I am encouraged by the comments you leave that I’m not alone in my struggles and it’s not over.  

Have a great weekend!

I have tried twice now to blog a bit of what I’ve been going through personally to give you an idea of some great “epiphanies” I’m having, but it just isn’t coming out well at all. 

So, let’s try this…

As I mentioned Friday I’ve been going through an issue I haven’t shared on my blog.  It’s nothing as major as my mother dying, yet it has been life changing for me.  

There has been an issue of forgiveness involved.  And in praying and reading and thinking about why I’m having a hard time forgiving I finally came to the realization about two weeks ago that a lot of why I’m having a hard time forgiving this person is because I’m a control freak and to forgive will mean to let it go and not feel the need to control everything.  

Dealing with this forgiveness issue has also really lead me to beat myself up as well, because I feel awful that at thirty eight years old I’m barely learning this lesson.  Had I learned it years ago it would’ve saved me much heartache and knowing that bugs the heck out of me.  *sigh*

Yes, I’m the oldest child, perfectionist, rule follower who has a hard time when I feel I’m not living up to others expectations — or my own expectations.  

Oh, did I mention I’ve also admitted to being a control freak?  And admitting the need to change that has been the hardest thing I’ve attempted besides losing weight.  

I’m serious.  It’s one thing to joke about it and it’s another to admit it’s causing friction in your life and needs to change. 

Dealing with all of this sort of piled up on two different occasions this past weekend and that lead to meltdowns.  My husband was gracious and kind to hear me out each time I blubbered through my frustrations, but he also spoke some words of wisdom and encouragement to me.  

I don’t like admitting I need to change.  I see it as failure.  But even less, I don’t like the feelings that come from being an unforgiving, controlling person.  And I really don’t like how overindulging in food through all of this has lead to tight clothes and more feelings of failure. 

So, the first steps I’ve made towards complete forgiveness, letting go of control over things that really aren’t mine to worry about and fitting better into my clothes is to forgive myself for my mistakes and make the conscious decision that I’m not going to keep looking back with regret over how I’ve let these areas of my life go wrong. 

I will not ignore the bad tendencies I had, but I will learn from them.  

I will not feel condemned for being unforgiving for a time, but will embrace that I have forgiven that person and will move forward.

I will no longer look at pictures of myself from just a year ago and hate how I’ve grown since then, but I will look at them as proof that it can be done and I can get there again.  (I wasn’t a tiny, unattainable size, so it is completely doable.) 

It may take a little tightening of the belt calorically to lose the weight again, and it may not be easy, but this morning instead of praying, “Oh God, help me!! I can’t do this!!” I found myself praying these words: 

“Thank you, Lord, that I have a healthy body that can run.  Thank you that I have the ability to make good food choices and the funds to keep those choices in my home.  Thank you that there is a way for me get back control of my health if I will but do the work.”

I surprised myself when those words came out, and then I realized that when I allowed myself to forgive this other person, admit I need to not be such a control freak and then just learn from my mistakes instead of beating myself up over them I became a much happier, freer person. 

So, as always… I have made the choice to continue the fight for a healthier, happier Leah and I will not give up…even when life takes me on some major twists and turns.  *deep contented sigh* 

Thanks for stopping by!